Guarasci Land...

Dear Gary,

Good luck and thanks for the question Downstairs from Hell!

Dear WATG,

When am I going to die?

Unhealthy Lifestyle Choices – Wyckoff, NJ

Dear Unhealthy Lifestyle Choices,

It’s clear to me that you have not got much time left, seeing as you have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel. For a very accurate determination of your death date, click: HERE


Dear WATG,

Do you feel guilty?

I Know What You Did – Bergen County Jail, Hackensack, NJ


Dear I Know What You Did,

No




Dear Gary,

How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Signed,
Eggs-ellence of Eggs-ecution – Egg Harbor Twp, NJ


Dear Eggs-ellence of Eggs-ecution,

Medium rare or al dente.




Dear Gary,

Do you tweet?

Tweetie Bird – Los Angeles, CA

Dear Tweetie Bird,

Yes, you can follow me @Guarasci_Land

Dear Gary,

If you dump a boy and you don’t speak for about 2-3 weeks, then he apologizes, should you be his friend again??

Forgive or Forget – Manhattan, NY


Dear Forgive or Forget,

It depends on how good the sex was. If he was a love dud then there’s no need to be friends with him. However, if he made you see the sweet baby Jesus, then you definitely should be fuck buddies at the very minimum.

Thanks for the question, Forgive or Forget!





But what if y’all don’t do the do?

Forgive or Forget – Manhattan, NY


Dear Forgive or Forget,

Excellent follow-up – this is also dependent on how much monies he has. If his idea of a lavish date is Happy Meals at McDonald’s then I would steer clear of this boy until he gets a bigger bankroll.

Thanks for the follow-up question Forgive or Forget!

Dear Gary,

Every Friday, my coworkers and I order breakfast from the diner down the road. Everyone usually orders something different such as a big hearty pancakes-with-sausage-combo or as light as wheat toast (lightly buttered) and tea. For the most part it works out well for most of us, but lately I’ve noticed that the person that orders their chocolate chip muffin, faithfully every Friday, has not been kicking in enough money (sometimes not even at all). This is extremely frustrating to my coworkers and me but we don’t know the proper way to approach this person. Any advice?

Stuck With The Check – Teaneck, NJ



Dear Stuck With The Check,

You say that every Friday your office orders breakfast? It sounds like that there isn’t much work going on over there come Friday morning. In today’s economy, I would put more emphasis on getting your job done rather than stealing company time buy ordering breakfast.

However, I am empathetic to your plight, as I have been known to enjoy a stack of pancakes and scrambled eggs with a side order of bacon and sausage. Turkey bacon and sausage though. I don’t dig on swine.

Or veal.

Or lamb for that matter. Everything else is okay.




I do have the following suggestion for you: The next time your coworker orders a chocolate chip muffin, get some Ex-Lax and break off the pieces so you can’t read the Ex-Lax imprint on them and start stuffing them all into the muffin. Don’t worry if some sticks out just tell your co-worker that the person in the diner has a crush on them and that they put in extra. Make sure you use the whole box.



You probably will still get stiffed on the breakfast that day, but my money is on this coworker will never buying breakfast with the rest of you ever again.

If you really want to get the asshole in trouble, go up to the boss and ask where they've been all day. Then add with an air of nonchalance, "The shit is really piling up."

Thanks for the question, Stuck With The Check!


Dear Gary,

Lately after I’ve had a cup of tea, I’ve been coming down with a nasty case of the “trots”. I’ve been drinking tea for years and I’ve never had the “Hershey Squirts” like this before. Do you have any suggestions that will prevent me from having another “ass quake” after my morning tea?

Chained to the Toilet – Atlantic City, NJ


Dear Chained to the Toilet,

Stop drinking tea.

Dear Gary,

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up over a month ago, yet he keeps texting and calling me constantly, and asking me to do things with him. The last time he sent me a text asking me if I wanted to go to the pub to have dinner and pretzels. He's a nice guy, but he just doesn't seem to get that WE ARE BROKEN UP! Please help me.

He Just Won't Take The Hint - Woodbury, NJ



Dear He Just Won't Take The Hint,

It sounds like the boy just wants to hang out with you and feed you pretzels. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Pretzels are quite a delicious snack and if you can get away with a boy giving you free pretzels, then you should definitely take advantage of it. You never, ever know when this Pretzel Train is going to make a stop at a different destination.




Thanks for the question He Just Won't Take The Hint!





Dear WATG,

Everyone knows that dogs like to eat their own feces, but did you know that if you sprinkle Accent on dog poop that they won't eat it?

Dog Lover - Rochelle Park, NJ



Dear Sicko,

No.

Dear WATG,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months and the relationship is going great, but there is one little thing that bothers me – He’s VERY quiet in the bedroom. What do you do when he doesn’t make any noise during sex? I mean how am I going to know that he’s into the action, or even more so, how will I know when he’s about to arrive, if you catch my drift?

Moaner – Dumont NJ



Dear Moaner,

Oh, I catch your drift all right Dirty Girl – gotta clean you up!

You say that your boyfriend doesn’t like to make any “Yummy Noises” (as I like to refer to them -- copyright pending) during all of the sex. This could be due to a couple of different possibilities. The first being he recently got out of the slammer. Making any kind of yummy noises during prison sex would more than likely not be conducive to leading a healthy prison life. A friend of mine was in prison one time for theft, burglaries, and jaywalking. He told me, after he got out, that he avoided having prison sex by shitting on himself whenever someone was looking at him affectionately. Sure, it’s kind of nasty but it sure beats being anally raped.

The second possibility is that your boyfriend is part mouse. This scenario makes a lot more sense to me than your boyfriend doing time in prison.

A long time ago, I had pet mice that I named Sid and Nancy.


They used to have sex all the time, but you would never know unless you were looking at them because they were quiet as, well… mice. I think they had an exhibitionist side as I know they saw me watching them. Mayhaps it was the thrill of getting caught or it's just that mice don't care who sees them. Now I'm sure you're saying, "Hey Gary, doesn't that mean you have voyeuristic tendencies?" To which I answer, "Maybe."

I came home one day to find Sid lying there in a stupor, while Nancy was in the corner dead from a fatal stab wound. I don’t know for sure if Sid did it, but all the signs point to him. The knife that was used in the murder was his, but he claims that he was passed out from chasing the dragon. We’ll never know the real story because Sid killed himself shortly thereafter.

Your concerns regarding if he’s “into the action” are valid, as is your concern for when he’s about to “arrive”. Nobody wants to take a surprise load when not expecting it.


I suggest doing the following:

When you’re in the middle of the act of fornicating, whip out your favorite love toy, turn it on (if applicable), and jam it right up his ass. Wait for a second to see if he makes a noise. If there’s no noise then he’s part mouse. If he does make a noise, we know we got a jailbird on our hands. When he asks you, ‘What the fraggle rock are you doing?’ You can just tell him that you were concerned that you were in coitus with an ex-con because of the lack of noise. Be very careful when you do this though. If he was a prisoner, he might shit himself every time he sees you.

Thanks for the question, Moaner!

Dear Gary,

My newly acquired boyfriend and i had our first argument a couple of days ago. He had been a bit too distracted with the baseball game, and claims i gave him an attitude, which i assure you , i didnt. i told him i was leaving, and he kind of ignored me, then a few minutes later i grabbed my purse and car keys and gave him a kiss good bye, he was looking at me all shocked like.... wondering why i was leaving.... when i had already told him about 3 times. So Mr. Wonderful didnt call me that nite, as usual and texted me on some really formal manner later – “Thanks for Lunch, Glad you got home safely.” I’m a bit confused as to why Mr. Wonderful is giving me attitude, i'm wondering what i did wrong ... ? can you shed some light to this dilemma for me?

Baseball Hata – Bergenfield NJ



Dear Baseball Hata,

First things first, congratulations on your acquisition? I put a question mark at the end of that sentence because I’m not really quite sure if you’re happy with the acquisition. It sounds like you’re not.

I’m also a smidge bit curious on how you acquired him. I’m kind of picturing a Supermarket type setting where you walk down the aisles to find one. One section is all girls and, the other is, all boys. You’ll have to let me know if I’m way off base on that one.

Secondly, I’m not the grammar or punctuation police but please, please, please at least use the proper capitalization. I know it’s a chore to hit the shift button and a letter at the same time but trust me, you’ll thank me later.

You say that your boyfriend was distracted during the baseball game. Who was playing? Did he bet on the game? Those are very important factors to his distraction because if he bet on the game you have to get him into Gambler’s Anonymous immediately. Getting into debt and owing the bookies monies will surely lead to broken fingers or worse. I know all about this because of my heavy gambling addiction that I kicked a few years ago. This one time, I owed a bookie a cool fin and he had one of his goons come and collect all of it. All at once. I mean really who carries around $5 like that all willy-nilly? So anyway, this goon, that kind of looked like Ron Howard - but way bigger, said that he was going to break my head off of my neck if I didn't pay right then and there. I paid him straight away after going to the ATM machine o'course. True story.



Here’s something that you can do the next time he gets distracted by the ballgame. Bring an extra set of clothes with you and go into the bathroom to change. When you come out, stand right in front of the TeeVee in your newly changed clothes of short shorts and a tank top. (Flip flops optional)



I’m pretty sure if he’s a heterosexual male, that he will TiVo© the rest of the game and give you some lovin’.


If that doesn’t help, you can always go back to that supermarket and “acquire” a new boyfriend. Maybe one that doesn’t like baseball so much.

And not a gambler.

And not gay.

Thanks for the question Baseball Hata!

Post Script: You said he texted you, “Thanks for lunch.” What did you have? Sandwiches? I fuckin’ love sandwiches