Monday, June 21, 2010

Dear Gary,

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm invisible. It's as if nobody knows I'm even there. The other day I was in the 7-11 waiting online behind this guy. The clerk finished ringing him up and as I put m merchandise on the counter, he just walked away. All I wanted to do was buy my Yoo Hoo™ and Kit Kat™ and be one my way. I think I need to be more assertive but just don't know how to go about doing it. Can you help me?

The Vanishing Woman - Lake Hopatcong, NJ

Dear Vanishing Woman,

What we have here is something very interesting to say the least. You say that you just wanted to buy a YooHoo and a Kit Kat, this leads me to believe that you are drawing near your "Ladies Days" as Ray Romano aptly put it. Am I right?

I'm getting off track here. It doesn't matter if I'm right or not. (More than likely, I am.) What we have here is a situation that can clearly be used to our advantage. The next time you're feeling a craving for chocolatey goodness, I want you to take off all of your clothes and march straight into that 7-11 and go right to the refrigerator and pick up that Yoo Hoo™ and sashay over to the candy aisle and get yourself that Kit Kat™ that you wanted so much. Stroll on past the register, where the clerk is and walk right out the door. The clerk will be more astounded by the floating chocolatey treats then the fact that you just shoplifted. $2.69 from there. After a few times of doing this, you will feel confident enough to tackle on bigger tasks, such as banks. Hope this helps you.

Thanks for the question Vanishing Woman!


Post Script: Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat™ bar.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Dear Gary,




Is it me? On my morning drive to work in the I almost get hit by another driver pretty regularly. When I walk through the parking lot of my son’s day care,

at least once a week, I watch a mother/father and child just miss being ran over by someone as they are not looking as they back up their car/truck. What is wrong with people?



Konfused – Kinnelon, NJ



Dear Konfused,



Clearly these people are drunk when they are dropping off their kids to day care. The only option that I see for you to do is – join ‘em!



That’s right.



Skip the Cheerios for breakfast and pour yourself a bowl of vodka instead.



This way you are on an even step with the other folks at the day care center and will probably make an interesting start to your day.



Thanks for the question Konfused!



Dear Gary,




I werk in customer service and most of my customers I swear to gawd are compleet idiots as they can’t not comprehend the simplest of things. Now I am not a Harverd gradooate or nuttin like that, however I find myself axing to myself out lowd, ‘am I really that smart or is most of the population really that dumb?’



Wats your take on this?



Genius – Lodi, NJ



Dear Genius,



First things first, you WORK in customer service and if you must swear, GOD would be the correct spelling. The idiots that you speak of are COMPLETE idiots, not compleet. It’s clear that you are not a HARVARD GRADUATE or NOTHING like that. I’m a smidge confused on how you are ASKING to yourself out LOUD. Clearly, you can count yourself among the dumb of the population. I say this with nothing but love o’course.



Nevertheless, to answer your question, the population – as a whole – is not getting dumber but their attention span is waning. With the growing need for instant gratification, and information always available at your fingertips, the need to retain knowledge is slowly becoming a non-essential way of being.



Do I see this as only a trend, and things will change for the better? Probably not.



Do I count myself as one of the many dumb? You better believe it.



Am I slowly becoming a question talker? Probably.



My advice to you comes as a quote from the great Apollo Creed: “Stay in school and use your brain. Be a doctor, be a lawyer, carry a leather briefcase. Forget about sports as a profession. Sports make ya grunt and smell. See, be a thinker, not a stinker.”



Thanks for the question Genius!

 

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