Guarasci Land...

Dear WATG,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months and the relationship is going great, but there is one little thing that bothers me – He’s VERY quiet in the bedroom. What do you do when he doesn’t make any noise during sex? I mean how am I going to know that he’s into the action, or even more so, how will I know when he’s about to arrive, if you catch my drift?

Moaner – Dumont NJ



Dear Moaner,

Oh, I catch your drift all right Dirty Girl – gotta clean you up!

You say that your boyfriend doesn’t like to make any “Yummy Noises” (as I like to refer to them -- copyright pending) during all of the sex. This could be due to a couple of different possibilities. The first being he recently got out of the slammer. Making any kind of yummy noises during prison sex would more than likely not be conducive to leading a healthy prison life. A friend of mine was in prison one time for theft, burglaries, and jaywalking. He told me, after he got out, that he avoided having prison sex by shitting on himself whenever someone was looking at him affectionately. Sure, it’s kind of nasty but it sure beats being anally raped.

The second possibility is that your boyfriend is part mouse. This scenario makes a lot more sense to me than your boyfriend doing time in prison.

A long time ago, I had pet mice that I named Sid and Nancy.


They used to have sex all the time, but you would never know unless you were looking at them because they were quiet as, well… mice. I think they had an exhibitionist side as I know they saw me watching them. Mayhaps it was the thrill of getting caught or it's just that mice don't care who sees them. Now I'm sure you're saying, "Hey Gary, doesn't that mean you have voyeuristic tendencies?" To which I answer, "Maybe."

I came home one day to find Sid lying there in a stupor, while Nancy was in the corner dead from a fatal stab wound. I don’t know for sure if Sid did it, but all the signs point to him. The knife that was used in the murder was his, but he claims that he was passed out from chasing the dragon. We’ll never know the real story because Sid killed himself shortly thereafter.

Your concerns regarding if he’s “into the action” are valid, as is your concern for when he’s about to “arrive”. Nobody wants to take a surprise load when not expecting it.


I suggest doing the following:

When you’re in the middle of the act of fornicating, whip out your favorite love toy, turn it on (if applicable), and jam it right up his ass. Wait for a second to see if he makes a noise. If there’s no noise then he’s part mouse. If he does make a noise, we know we got a jailbird on our hands. When he asks you, ‘What the fraggle rock are you doing?’ You can just tell him that you were concerned that you were in coitus with an ex-con because of the lack of noise. Be very careful when you do this though. If he was a prisoner, he might shit himself every time he sees you.

Thanks for the question, Moaner!