Guarasci Land...

Dear Gary,

Every Friday, my coworkers and I order breakfast from the diner down the road. Everyone usually orders something different such as a big hearty pancakes-with-sausage-combo or as light as wheat toast (lightly buttered) and tea. For the most part it works out well for most of us, but lately I’ve noticed that the person that orders their chocolate chip muffin, faithfully every Friday, has not been kicking in enough money (sometimes not even at all). This is extremely frustrating to my coworkers and me but we don’t know the proper way to approach this person. Any advice?

Stuck With The Check – Teaneck, NJ



Dear Stuck With The Check,

You say that every Friday your office orders breakfast? It sounds like that there isn’t much work going on over there come Friday morning. In today’s economy, I would put more emphasis on getting your job done rather than stealing company time buy ordering breakfast.

However, I am empathetic to your plight, as I have been known to enjoy a stack of pancakes and scrambled eggs with a side order of bacon and sausage. Turkey bacon and sausage though. I don’t dig on swine.

Or veal.

Or lamb for that matter. Everything else is okay.




I do have the following suggestion for you: The next time your coworker orders a chocolate chip muffin, get some Ex-Lax and break off the pieces so you can’t read the Ex-Lax imprint on them and start stuffing them all into the muffin. Don’t worry if some sticks out just tell your co-worker that the person in the diner has a crush on them and that they put in extra. Make sure you use the whole box.



You probably will still get stiffed on the breakfast that day, but my money is on this coworker will never buying breakfast with the rest of you ever again.

If you really want to get the asshole in trouble, go up to the boss and ask where they've been all day. Then add with an air of nonchalance, "The shit is really piling up."

Thanks for the question, Stuck With The Check!


Dear Gary,

Lately after I’ve had a cup of tea, I’ve been coming down with a nasty case of the “trots”. I’ve been drinking tea for years and I’ve never had the “Hershey Squirts” like this before. Do you have any suggestions that will prevent me from having another “ass quake” after my morning tea?

Chained to the Toilet – Atlantic City, NJ


Dear Chained to the Toilet,

Stop drinking tea.