Guarasci Land...

Dear Gary,

My newly acquired boyfriend and i had our first argument a couple of days ago. He had been a bit too distracted with the baseball game, and claims i gave him an attitude, which i assure you , i didnt. i told him i was leaving, and he kind of ignored me, then a few minutes later i grabbed my purse and car keys and gave him a kiss good bye, he was looking at me all shocked like.... wondering why i was leaving.... when i had already told him about 3 times. So Mr. Wonderful didnt call me that nite, as usual and texted me on some really formal manner later – “Thanks for Lunch, Glad you got home safely.” I’m a bit confused as to why Mr. Wonderful is giving me attitude, i'm wondering what i did wrong ... ? can you shed some light to this dilemma for me?

Baseball Hata – Bergenfield NJ



Dear Baseball Hata,

First things first, congratulations on your acquisition? I put a question mark at the end of that sentence because I’m not really quite sure if you’re happy with the acquisition. It sounds like you’re not.

I’m also a smidge bit curious on how you acquired him. I’m kind of picturing a Supermarket type setting where you walk down the aisles to find one. One section is all girls and, the other is, all boys. You’ll have to let me know if I’m way off base on that one.

Secondly, I’m not the grammar or punctuation police but please, please, please at least use the proper capitalization. I know it’s a chore to hit the shift button and a letter at the same time but trust me, you’ll thank me later.

You say that your boyfriend was distracted during the baseball game. Who was playing? Did he bet on the game? Those are very important factors to his distraction because if he bet on the game you have to get him into Gambler’s Anonymous immediately. Getting into debt and owing the bookies monies will surely lead to broken fingers or worse. I know all about this because of my heavy gambling addiction that I kicked a few years ago. This one time, I owed a bookie a cool fin and he had one of his goons come and collect all of it. All at once. I mean really who carries around $5 like that all willy-nilly? So anyway, this goon, that kind of looked like Ron Howard - but way bigger, said that he was going to break my head off of my neck if I didn't pay right then and there. I paid him straight away after going to the ATM machine o'course. True story.



Here’s something that you can do the next time he gets distracted by the ballgame. Bring an extra set of clothes with you and go into the bathroom to change. When you come out, stand right in front of the TeeVee in your newly changed clothes of short shorts and a tank top. (Flip flops optional)



I’m pretty sure if he’s a heterosexual male, that he will TiVo© the rest of the game and give you some lovin’.


If that doesn’t help, you can always go back to that supermarket and “acquire” a new boyfriend. Maybe one that doesn’t like baseball so much.

And not a gambler.

And not gay.

Thanks for the question Baseball Hata!

Post Script: You said he texted you, “Thanks for lunch.” What did you have? Sandwiches? I fuckin’ love sandwiches