Guarasci Land...

I live in an apartment complex and my upstairs neighbor is really noisy. She sounds like she walks around in wooden Dutch shoes all day long and uses the hallway as a bowling alley. I think she might have ADD because she’s in one room one minute and then stomping off to another the next minute only to return to the original room yet again. Every now and again, I hear her making “yummy noises” (as you like to refer to them as) and half the time I don’t even think she has anyone with her up there. I’ve tried to complain to the landlords, but they don’t seem to care. What can I do?

Downstairs from Hell – River Edge, NJ

Dear Downstairs from Hell,

It sounds like you got a real problem on your hands and I’m glad that you came to me for advice. These Dutch shoes that you are speaking of are called clogs and they do not seem like a very comfortable shoe.

If Forrest Gump taught us anything, it’s that you really need to walk around in a comfortable shoe. That and he ruined Jenny’s roommate’s bathrobe.

As far as the yummy noises go, you have to cut her some slack. E’erybody needs lovin’ at one time or another, even if it means she’s treating her own body like an amusement park.

Your neighbor is never going to stop being noisy, so what you need to do is to get them kicked out of the building.

First, make a flyer announcing a huge party with your neighbor’s apartment number on it. Make sure the words FREE BOOZE are clearly marked, underlined and highlighted.Then you want to go down to your local Kinkos or Staples establishment and have 500 copies made of it.  Next, and here comes the part where you have to do a lot of foot work, start handing out the flyers to hookers, homeless people, junkies – the real dregs of society. Tell them all to bring their friends and have their friends bring friends. When the party’s guests start to arrive, call the cops, and let them know your neighbor is throwing a loud party full of prostitutes and junkies. Sit back and enjoy.