Guarasci Land...

Dear Gary,

I have a problem that is impeding on my sleep. My girlfriend has an insatiable appetite for sex. The only problem with this is, I have a very demanding job and a lot of times she stays up late (she's unemployed) and/or wakes up early to have another go at it. Just this morning I woke up to her mouth on my dick. Yup, you read that right, I was sound asleep and she was blowing me. Is there any way of letting her down gently that this is affecting the rest of the day?

Too Tired To Fuck - Barnegat, NJ

Dear Too Tired To Fuck,

I'm a little surprised by your letter, as I've never encountered a man that's poo-pooing the idea of morning sex. Fornication is what we were put on this earth to do. Sleep, eat, and shit also but everyone knows fucking is the best out of the four.

Be that as it may, I am here to help. My first suggestion to you is to not wake up with a hard on. This will decrease your chances of getting a blow job if you taking your morning wood completely out of the equation.

My next suggestion my seem drastic, but if you really need your sleep, you will have no other choice. What you need to do is get a bottle of Frank's Red Hot Sauce.

You need to dab sum on the sides of your dick.
This is very important: DO NOT TOUCH THE TIP. I can't stress the importance of that enough. You only want to touch the shaft with the hot sauce. The next morning when your girlfriend wakes up, she will feel a mouth full of fire and you will be able to get your sleep. Maybe not, if she screams from all the heat.

Beware: This will probably be the last time your girlfriend ever attempts to blow you. No worries though, this will prevent any further "impeding of your sleep".

Thanks for the question Too Tired To Fuck!



Dear Gary,

I'm crushing on this guy, the only problem with that is he's married. I know he's "stepped out" on his wife in the past and I've made it very clear to him that I am very interested in him but he isn't biting. Any tips on how I can get him to venture over my way?

Crushing on a Married Guy -  Forked River, NJ

Dear Crushing on a Married Guy Home Wrecking Whore,

Let's be sure we're clear on one thing. You say you're interested in a guy that's been known to "step out" on his wife, but he isn't showing you any signs of interest. Make no mistake about this:

He Cheats. Just Not With You

You are probably not very appealing to the eyes and if you must pursue this guy, here's my tip for you: get yourself out to one of those beauty supply stores and pick up some of them paint brushes you chicks use and the associated paint that goes with them. Lipstick, eye shadow, all that girly shit. In addition, get yourself to one of them hair salons and tell the stylist to do the best that she can with what she has to work with. Next, make an appointment with a plastic surgeon for breast augmentation. If after you've done all this the guy is still not interested, I suggest you take yourself over to NYC and start hooking. If you can't get the guy, you might as well start making a little money from your make-over.

Thanks for the question Home Wrecking Whore!