Guarasci Land...

Dear Gary,

I went out on a date with this girl and things went really well. They went so well that she invited me up to her place for a "night cap". It didn't take long before we made our way into the bedroom. Things were going pretty hot and heavy and she was really into it. So was I, but then something happened: her dog licked my bunghole. I think I might have startled her with my scream and she asked me what the matter was. I explained to her that while we were fornicating, her dog licked my bunghole. She didn't even seem fazed by it. In fact, she kind of laughed it off like it wasn't a big deal and it happens all the time. I like this girl but I don't want her dog getting used to licking my bunghole. What should I do?

The Dog Licked My Bunghole - Livingston, NJ

Dear The Dog Licked My Bunghole,

You say that you don't want the dog getting used to licking your "bunghole" but what you should really consider is allowing the dog cart blanche in the bedroom. Most guys would kill for the chance at a ménage à trois and this has fallen right into your lap. Sure it might not be as ideal as two girls and yourself, but beggars can't be choosers and you have to take it from where ever it is coming from. So the next time you and this chick are settling in for your love-making session, gingerly ask her the whereabouts of Spot. When she tells you that she put him outside in the yard for the evening so you can be uninterrupted, let her know that you wouldn't mind if Spot joined in on the action. She will be impressed with your lack of inhibitions and you, my friend, will be living that ménage à trois fantasy that everybody dreams about.

Thanks for the question The Dog Licks My Bunghole!

Dear Gary,

I have a problem that is impeding on my sleep. My girlfriend has an insatiable appetite for sex. The only problem with this is, I have a very demanding job and a lot of times she stays up late (she's unemployed) and/or wakes up early to have another go at it. Just this morning I woke up to her mouth on my dick. Yup, you read that right, I was sound asleep and she was blowing me. Is there any way of letting her down gently that this is affecting the rest of the day?

Too Tired To Fuck - Barnegat, NJ

Dear Too Tired To Fuck,

I'm a little surprised by your letter, as I've never encountered a man that's poo-pooing the idea of morning sex. Fornication is what we were put on this earth to do. Sleep, eat, and shit also but everyone knows fucking is the best out of the four.

Be that as it may, I am here to help. My first suggestion to you is to not wake up with a hard on. This will decrease your chances of getting a blow job if you taking your morning wood completely out of the equation.

My next suggestion my seem drastic, but if you really need your sleep, you will have no other choice. What you need to do is get a bottle of Frank's Red Hot Sauce.

You need to dab sum on the sides of your dick.
This is very important: DO NOT TOUCH THE TIP. I can't stress the importance of that enough. You only want to touch the shaft with the hot sauce. The next morning when your girlfriend wakes up, she will feel a mouth full of fire and you will be able to get your sleep. Maybe not, if she screams from all the heat.

Beware: This will probably be the last time your girlfriend ever attempts to blow you. No worries though, this will prevent any further "impeding of your sleep".

Thanks for the question Too Tired To Fuck!



Dear Gary,

I'm crushing on this guy, the only problem with that is he's married. I know he's "stepped out" on his wife in the past and I've made it very clear to him that I am very interested in him but he isn't biting. Any tips on how I can get him to venture over my way?

Crushing on a Married Guy -  Forked River, NJ

Dear Crushing on a Married Guy Home Wrecking Whore,

Let's be sure we're clear on one thing. You say you're interested in a guy that's been known to "step out" on his wife, but he isn't showing you any signs of interest. Make no mistake about this:

He Cheats. Just Not With You

You are probably not very appealing to the eyes and if you must pursue this guy, here's my tip for you: get yourself out to one of those beauty supply stores and pick up some of them paint brushes you chicks use and the associated paint that goes with them. Lipstick, eye shadow, all that girly shit. In addition, get yourself to one of them hair salons and tell the stylist to do the best that she can with what she has to work with. Next, make an appointment with a plastic surgeon for breast augmentation. If after you've done all this the guy is still not interested, I suggest you take yourself over to NYC and start hooking. If you can't get the guy, you might as well start making a little money from your make-over.

Thanks for the question Home Wrecking Whore!

Dear Gary,

My problem isn't a major one, but it's annoying me nonetheless. One of my co-workers, let's call him "Ricardo" is constantly talking with his mouth full of food. What is a tactful way of telling him that it is really gross when he does this? How do I get him to up his game in the manners category?

Tired of Removing Food Bits From My Hair - New York, NY

Dear Tired of Removing Food Bits From My Hair,

There's a simple solution to your problem. It involves a bottle of water and a little perfect timing. The next time "Richard" is talking with his mouth full, take a swig from your bottle and spit it at him. Try to get a good spray action like the WWE's Triple H if you can.

If you time it just right, you will be able to do it while his mouth is still open. Score yourself two points if you do. More than likely, his first reaction will be all, "What the Fraggle Rock© are you doing?" At that point, you just walk away. He probably will not put 2 and 2 together at first so you can count on having to do this several times before he takes the hint that talking with his mouth full will be followed by a face full of  Poland Spring.I'm figuring 7 or 8 times will do the trick.


Thanks for the question, Tired of Removing Food Bits From My Hair!

Dear Gary,

My neighbor's kids are driving me crazy. He is constantly terrorizing the neighborhood with his skateboard antics and drinking slushees all the time.

(Chasing Amy's Jason Lee from his skateboarding days)

In addition, he's taking a fancy to throwing his litter in front of my door. I've tried talking to his parents, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I'm at my wit's end. What can I do?

Sick of the Shit - Pennsauken, NJ

Dear Sick of the Shit,

"Skateboard antics and slushee drinking" doesn't seem to me to be a terror of the neighborhood, but if it's really bothering you...

Oh wait. You said littering too. That's just inexcusable.

It's clear to me what you need to do. If the parents aren't listening to your pleas for assistance, you need to call DYFS on them. For those, not familiar with DYFS, it is the Division of Youth and Family Services. Give them a call and let them know that the kid is dealing drugs in the neighborhood where you live. Tell them he stores all the drugs through a fake bottom of his slushee cup. Now, these accusations  will more than likely not stick, but you will be able to have some peace and quiet for a few weeks whilst they investigate your allegations.

Thanks for you question, Sick of the Shit!




Dear Gary,

Recently I went out on a date with a guy. All seemed to go really well as he picked me up for dinner and the car ride to the restaurant, but that's when things started becoming a little askew to me. At dinner, he went on and on about not knowing which wine would pair well with our food. No biggie, but he kind of made a big deal about not know. At dinner, he starts saying how the white wine paired really well with the asparagus. Again, no biggie but then he starts to notice a homosexual couple at the restaurant. He goes on and on about how he's not "comfortable" with them being there, his great disdain for the gays, yadda yadda yadda, but then couldn't stop commenting on how he didn't understand how the one (semi-good looking) was with the other one (not so good looking). He also kept telling stories about his "friend" Steve that was starting to sound more like stories about an ex than a friend. On top of all this, he says that he doesn't eat carbs. What boy doesn't eat carbs?Putting all those little pieces of the puzzle together brings me to my question - is the guy I'm seeing gay?

Signs Pointing to the Closet - Belmar, NJ

Dear Signs Pointing to the Closet,

You ask what boy doesn't eat carbs. I think I have the answer to that one - a fat one trying to lose weight. The Atkins craze of the early 90's, although not very healthy, is a quick way for some weight loss but removes all carbs from the diet.

The second thing that stood out in our letter was the fact that he didn't know what wine to pair with food. This is not a clear indication to someone's sexuality either. I'd be more concerned that he was eating asparagus, as everyone knows it makes your pee smell funny.

When he comments on the homosexual couple in the restaurant and his "disdain for the gays" but seems to focus on why the one is with the other, it could be overcompensation, but again it shows no indication on his sexuality. It does, however, show signs that you might be dating a homophobe.
Finally, you say he talks a whole lot about his "friend" Steve, almost as if he's an ex than just a friend. What were the stories about? Did he tell you funny little anecdotes about how, this one time after he was sucking Steve's dick, he said the cutest little thing? If so, then you are in fact what they call in the homosexual community - a beard. If not, then continue dating this guy and see where it goes. Maybe he just likes both girls and boys. Nothing to lose here except a few free meals and maybe a trip to the cinema.

Thanks for the question, Signs Pointing to the Closet!

Dear Gary,

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm invisible. It's as if nobody knows I'm even there. The other day I was in the 7-11 waiting online behind this guy. The clerk finished ringing him up and as I put m merchandise on the counter, he just walked away. All I wanted to do was buy my Yoo Hoo™ and Kit Kat™ and be one my way. I think I need to be more assertive but just don't know how to go about doing it. Can you help me?

The Vanishing Woman - Lake Hopatcong, NJ

Dear Vanishing Woman,

What we have here is something very interesting to say the least. You say that you just wanted to buy a YooHoo and a Kit Kat, this leads me to believe that you are drawing near your "Ladies Days" as Ray Romano aptly put it. Am I right?

I'm getting off track here. It doesn't matter if I'm right or not. (More than likely, I am.) What we have here is a situation that can clearly be used to our advantage. The next time you're feeling a craving for chocolatey goodness, I want you to take off all of your clothes and march straight into that 7-11 and go right to the refrigerator and pick up that Yoo Hoo™ and sashay over to the candy aisle and get yourself that Kit Kat™ that you wanted so much. Stroll on past the register, where the clerk is and walk right out the door. The clerk will be more astounded by the floating chocolatey treats then the fact that you just shoplifted. $2.69 from there. After a few times of doing this, you will feel confident enough to tackle on bigger tasks, such as banks. Hope this helps you.

Thanks for the question Vanishing Woman!


Post Script: Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat™ bar.

Dear Gary,




Is it me? On my morning drive to work in the I almost get hit by another driver pretty regularly. When I walk through the parking lot of my son’s day care,

at least once a week, I watch a mother/father and child just miss being ran over by someone as they are not looking as they back up their car/truck. What is wrong with people?



Konfused – Kinnelon, NJ



Dear Konfused,



Clearly these people are drunk when they are dropping off their kids to day care. The only option that I see for you to do is – join ‘em!



That’s right.



Skip the Cheerios for breakfast and pour yourself a bowl of vodka instead.



This way you are on an even step with the other folks at the day care center and will probably make an interesting start to your day.



Thanks for the question Konfused!



Dear Gary,




I werk in customer service and most of my customers I swear to gawd are compleet idiots as they can’t not comprehend the simplest of things. Now I am not a Harverd gradooate or nuttin like that, however I find myself axing to myself out lowd, ‘am I really that smart or is most of the population really that dumb?’



Wats your take on this?



Genius – Lodi, NJ



Dear Genius,



First things first, you WORK in customer service and if you must swear, GOD would be the correct spelling. The idiots that you speak of are COMPLETE idiots, not compleet. It’s clear that you are not a HARVARD GRADUATE or NOTHING like that. I’m a smidge confused on how you are ASKING to yourself out LOUD. Clearly, you can count yourself among the dumb of the population. I say this with nothing but love o’course.



Nevertheless, to answer your question, the population – as a whole – is not getting dumber but their attention span is waning. With the growing need for instant gratification, and information always available at your fingertips, the need to retain knowledge is slowly becoming a non-essential way of being.



Do I see this as only a trend, and things will change for the better? Probably not.



Do I count myself as one of the many dumb? You better believe it.



Am I slowly becoming a question talker? Probably.



My advice to you comes as a quote from the great Apollo Creed: “Stay in school and use your brain. Be a doctor, be a lawyer, carry a leather briefcase. Forget about sports as a profession. Sports make ya grunt and smell. See, be a thinker, not a stinker.”



Thanks for the question Genius!

Dear Gary,

Good luck and thanks for the question Downstairs from Hell!